CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: Owner's Guide and Manual
by EvilsApprentice
Summary: The EAC Presents: Captain Jack Sparrow: The Complete Owner’s Guide and Manual CONGRATULATIONS! You are now the proud owner of a CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW unit! /Rated T for references


_A/N: I was browsing through these, and I noticed that did not contain a CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW Owner's Guide and Instruction Manuel; I thought it would be wise to correct this travesty. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own the Pirates of the Caribbean saga; The Mouse has claim to it all. My ideas on the Manuel template come from RoseOwl's __SYLAR: Owner's Guide andManuel__ (Check it out if you're a Heroes fan!) and SpirkTrekker42's __SPOCK: Owner's Guide and Manuel __(Fun for Trekkers). If either of you happen to come across this somewhere in your travels and you have a problem with it, please let me know_

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_**The EAC Presents: Captain Jack Sparrow: The Complete Owner's Guide and Manual **_

_**CONGRATULATIONS! **_

You are now the proud owner of a CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW

Follow the guidelines and installation procedures and your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW unit with provide you with years of quality service and companionship!

Your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW arrives fully assembled (and clothed).

**INSTALLATION**

To activate your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW unit, simply apply any kind of alcoholic beverage to the oral cavity. That should start him right up.

*Note: If no alcoholic beverages are available, an additional method is to consult a GISSELLE or SCARLET unit for advice on how to turn him on.

**TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS**

Name: Captain Jack Sparrow

Rank: Captain

Ship: The Black Pearl

Manufacturers: Captain Teague and Mrs. Teague

Habitat: The Sea; occasionally ports at Tortuga

Height: 5'9

Date of Manufacture: Not a day over 25 years ago, I swear by it.

Weight: None of your business, love.

Hair Color: Dark Brown

Eyes: Chocolate Brown

**MODES OF OPERATION**

The CAPTIAN JACK SPARROW unit has a plethora of entertaining functions that can be accessed by voice activation. Note: Most of his functions are for those who are the age of 18 or older. The EAC is not responsible for any promiscuous, pirate-like or alcoholic tendencies displayed in minors in relation to the CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW unit.

Default: Pirate

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW unit's main function is first and foremost that of a pirate. In PIRATE mode, your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW unit will pillage, loot, plunder, disguise himself to commit thief and fraud, commandeer ships, and (only when necessary) engage in sword fights. Your own conscious can guide you concerning how to use this mode.

Fight Mode

Melee: Your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW will occasionally engage in sword fights when the situation is dire. He will provide you with lessons if you ask nicely (or forcefully).

Hand To Hand Combat: Your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW unit is horrific at hand-to-hand combat and prefers to rely on his pistol.

Long- Range Weaponry: Your CAPTIAN JACK SPARROW unit comes with a range of artillery including a pistol, a shotgun and multiple canons. He has sufficient knowledge of how to use a pistol, shotgun and/or canon.

*Notes:

Your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW unit fights to run away

We cannot promise you a fair fight. He's a pirate, after all.

Drinking Buddy

Your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW makes an excellent drinking partner. He is willing to try any alcoholic beverage (NOTE: His preference is rum). He is almost always at least tipsy and can hold his drink for who knows how long. He can function normally under the influence and can perform activities such as driving a boat and launching himself via canon tied to a rope from one ship to another; but (optional) if you prefer he will sing songs, dance and act silly until he passes out from intoxication.

Ship Captain

Although your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW unit maintains that he is Captain all the time, in CAPTAIN mode, your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW will shoot without a second thought, give command, and will not accept orders from you. This mode can be accessed through contact with the CREW units (sold separately)

Horny (locked)

This function is not included in the regular package and must be bought separately; If you find your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW unit in this mode and you are unwilling to satisfy him, we suggest you go stick your head in a tub of ice water until your brain is functioning normally; or, alternatively, consult a GISELLE or SCARLET model (sold separately) (a nearby ELIZABETH (sold separately) model may be willing)

Lying:

Although he insists otherwise, your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW is almost always in this mode.

Good Man

Your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW will deny all knowledge of this mode and will attempt to suppress it in every way he can; however, his true colors always show in the end.

**COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS**

Your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW unit is not compatible with any model except the GIBBS unit; all others cannot stand him. However, they will indulge in him when they feel the whim (or if they need his help) from time to time.

Your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW has modes 4 of interaction

Friendly- Use only with the GIBBS model; can occasionally be used on the TIA DALMA model (sold separately)

Hatred- Use with the JACK THE UNDEAD MONKEY, DAVEY JONES, BARBOSSA, WILL TURNER, ELIZABETH SWAN, JAMES NORRINGTON, LORD CUTLER BECKETT, SCARLETT, GISELLE and ANAMARIA models (sold separately)

Drunk and Annoying- Use with the almost every model he comes in contact with, but especially the JAMES NORRINGTON, BARBOSSA, ELIZABETH SWAN and WILL TURNER models (sold separately)

Annoyed- Use with the JACK THE UNDEAD MONKEY, PINTEL and RHAGETTI models (sold separately)

Charming/ Charismatic/Suave- Optional mode of interaction; Use with any female model; especially SCARLETT, GISELLE and ELIZABETH SWAN(Note: Only the ELIZABETH model will be hesitant to interact in 5th mode) (sold separately)

**ACCESSORIES**

Your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW is equipped with many entertaining and useful accessories including:

ONE PISTOL (SINGLE BULLET INCLUDED)

ONE SWORD

ONE PAIR OF BOOTS

ONE TRI-CORNERED HAT

ONE RED BANDANA (ALREADY ASSEMBLED)

ONE OFF-WHITE TUNIC (ALREADY ASSEMBLED)

BROWN PANTS (ALREADY ASSEMBLED)

ONE LEATHER SHOULDER-SLING GUN HOLSTER BELT

DREADLOCKS INCLUDING BEADS AND HAIR ORNAMENTS (ALREADY ASSEMBLED)

FINGER-RINGS

ONE BOTTLE OF RUM

ONE COMPASS THAT DOESN'T POINT NORTH

ONE PIRATE CODE MANUSCRIPT (Note: The CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW unit does not usually adhere to the code unless it benefits his own personal needs)

HIS OWN THEME SONG (He's a Pirate)

**GENERAL MAINTAINENCE**

Your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW requires at least one bottle of rum per six hours and works best on ships at sea; especially his very own BLACK PEARL (sold separately). You need not concern yourself with your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW model's hygiene; he doesn't have any.

**SECURITY**

*Your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW is apt to roam, so try to keep an eye on him at all times when in use.

*Do not let anyone know that you own a CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW; if word gets out that you own a CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW, the results may include: Being stalked by pirate fans/ and/or fangirls and possible theft of your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW.

*If any Johnny Depp or Jack Sparrow fangirls approach you, we advise you to HIDE YOUR MODEL IMMIDIATELY

*If your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW becomes lost or stolen, call our free 800 hotline or advertise in your local newspaper a huge jewelry exhibition at your address; he'll show up soon, if not the very day it appears in the papers.

**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS **

**Q:** _My mom keeps yelling at me for stealing her jewelry. It's not me, it's my CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW unit! How do I get him to stop pillaging her jewelry box?_

**A:** If your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW is stealing from your parents, the best you can do is purchase his whip accessory and show him who the REAL captain is.

**Q:**_ My CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW talks to himself. Is he crazy? What should I do? _

**A:** Your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW is probably communicating with his imaginary clone friends. It's hard to explain. It probably means that he's in a situation where he's trying to decide what to do. Don't be alarmed. When it happens, ignore it.

**Q**: _My CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW won't stop eating all my peanuts. What should I do? How do I explain to him that they're mine?_

**A: **You can't, unfortunately. Any attempt to hide the peanuts from him will be useless. Just buy extra cans of peanuts.

**Q: **_My CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW keeps telling me that he dropped his brain. Should I be concerned?_

**A: **No.

**Q:** _My CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW is continuously stealing all my alcoholic beverages.  
Even though I lock it and hide it and even buried it once, he keeps getting my  
booze. Does the CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW unit come with some Rum Locator thing that is  
possible to turn off?_

**A: **Your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW is an expert at finding hidden booze; it's simply one of his features. If, for a while, all you keep in your house is bad wine, he'll never go looking for your alchohol again and he'll just accept what you give him.

If you have further questions or concerns, please call our free 800 hotline or leave a comment on your Questions board.

**TROUBLESHOOTING**

**Problem: **My DAVY JONES model persistently stalks and threatens to steal my CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW unit's soul.

**Solution: **Consult the TIA DALMA unit immediately. Purchase a jar of dirt. Traditional payment for said jar of dirt is: One undead monkey. Tell your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW unit to keep the jar of dirt with him at all times.

**Problem: **My CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW unit told me that if I don't get rid of my JACK THE UNDEAD MONKEY unit, he'll run away. I don't want to loose my CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW unit and wish to get rid of my JACK THE UNDEAD MONKEY.

**A: **Note: This will be tricky. Somehow cage your JACK THE UNDEAD MONKEY unit (May possibly need PINTEL and RAGHETTI models for this) and search its person for the Aztec gold medallion it stole from the chest on Isle De Muerta. Using your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW's COMPASS THAT DOESN'T POINT NORTH accessory, track down the ISLE DE MUERTA on our online store (sold separately) (NOTE: If your COMPASS THAT DOESN'T POINT NORTH accessory is lost or broken, simply get lost in our store's inventory and you will find yourself at our ISLA DE MUERTA purchase option (if you end up at the DAVY JONES LOCKER purchase option instead simply try again). Have your WILL TURNER unit bleed on the coin (Methods for this include chopping his head off; or, if you do not wish to purchase another WILL TURNER unit, simply cut his hand) and drop the Aztec Gold back in the chest at ISLE DE MUERTA. JACK THE UNDEAD MONKEY will now be mortal again. After this, simply lock your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW and JACK THE UNDEAD MONKEY units in a room together and the problem will solve itself.

**Problem: **My SCARLETT unit and GISELLE units keep slapping my CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW unit. He has now lost his Horny function.

**Solution: **The underlying anger behind the slapping problem has no clear solution; you can try to teach your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW unit not to be an ass to female units but we seriously doubt it will work. As for retrieving the Horny function, we suggest you let him roam around with an ELIZABETH SWAN unit for a day or two.

**Problem: **My JAMES NORRINGTON unit tied my CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW unit in a noose.

**Solution: **A nearby WILL TURNER unit will assist you in freeing your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW unit. If need be, consult an ELIZABETH TURNER unit to distract JAMES NORRINGTON while this goes on.

**Problem: **Problem: My CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW unit is always stuck on Horny Mode and is

always flirting, loving, etc. with my WILL TURNER unit. WHAT DO I DO?

**Solution: **Uh-oh… it seems that you've received a Slash Fandom Edition CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW unit by mistake! This unit is, among other things, incredibly and undeniably GAY! Aside from that prominent feature, though, the Slash Fandom CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW unit shouldn't be too different from our Original Editions. If you wish, you can simply turn off his Horny mode by locking him in a room with a Slash Fandom Edition BARBOSSA in Rape mode. Unfortunately, this locks the Horny feature forever. Or, if you still have a receipt, you can send us the Slash Fandom Edition unit and receive an Original Edition free of charge!

Unless you're into the slash, in which case, by all means, don't let us spoil your fun.

**Problem: **My Captin Jack Sparrow unit REFUSES to use soap, and or toothpaste. The house  
now smells as bad as a dead monkey (No offence to Jack The Monkey.)

**Solution: **Simple: Come up with fun and interactive ways to teach your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW to use soap and toothpaste. Some ideas include: Joining him in the shower and scrubba-dub-dubbing him all over, spiking your toothpastes with rum (keep out of reach of children) and/ or telling him that you'll buy a BARBOSSA if he doesn't start shaping up.

**Problem: **My CAPITAN JACK SPARROW units (I have one regular and one slash) have been  
kept in seperate rooms, but lately I've found either one or the other trying  
to pick the lock to the other room. Can I remove the lockpick function or  
should I leave them be? Will there be consequences to letting them meet?

Also, My friend's model has taken up barbering and singing. Should she be  
worried?

**Solution: **If your models are curious about what's behind the locked door, there's really no way to stop them from investigating. You can disable the lockpick function, but all that will do is reduce them to using blunt force to knock the door down. Unfortunately, they're bloody headstrong that way. No dire consequences will come of allowing them to meet; your original CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW unit will find your slash unit intriguing at first, but when your slash model starts coming on to him, there may be some problems. It will most likely result in short-term emotional trauma and being unable to look at himself in a mirror the same way ever, ever again. Why don't you save yourself the trouble and give one of your units to a friend as a gift?

Regarding your friend's model, YES, she should be VERY worried. Tell her to not, under any circumstances, accept meat pies from her unit. She must have recieved the SWEENEY TODD unit by mistake. Wasn't she tipped off by the sullen, angry look and crazy Edward Scissorhands hair? No? Ah, well. If she still has the box, she can ship her unit back to us and recieve a CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW free of charge. Or, if she likes the singing and the angst and the murder that's sure to come, tell her that the SWEENEY TODD: OWNER'S GUIDE AND MAINTANENCE MANUAL is available online.

If you have a problem with your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW that was not mentioned in the above, please leave a comment on our Problem board.

**Problem:** My CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW unit has lost its jar of dirt and is  
now being stalked by a KRAKEN.

**Solution: **Never fear! Another jar of dirt is available on our online store, free of charge! Just pay separate processing and handling. However, if you're too tight with your money to buy a jar of dirt, simply make your own! As for the Kraken problem, our best advice is to keep your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW from going on any ships or cruises that will take him to the middle of the sea. In fact, we would advise not to go anywhere near the sea. However, if there are any WILL TURNER models in Captain of the Flying Dutchman mode nearby, you can tell him to call off his beastie.

**Problem: **My CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW is continuously stealing all my alcoholic beverages. Even though I lock it and hide it and even buried it once, he keeps getting my booze.

Does the CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW unit come with some Rum Locator thing that is possible to turn off?

**Solution: **Sharing, honestly, is the wisest course of action. Although the alcohol consumption the CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW model is capable of can be a bit staggering at times, it's just the way he was programmed to function. Perhaps you can direct him towards the local bar and have him open up a tab there. Let some bartender deal with his issues.

**Problem:** My CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW unit keeps licking rocks. I have tried to

tell him that this is disgusting and he could get sick from all the germs and

God knows where the things have been, but he won't listen to me. Should I be

concerned? How do I solve this problem? He also seems to have a sudden strange

obsession with ravens and writing desks and keeps asking why they're like each

other. I've told him the answer (because they both have feathers) at least

435564654623454325 times now, but he won't stop asking! Should this worry me?

**Solution:** The solution to your rock-licking problem is simple: tell him the supposed 'rocks' he's licking are really possessed crabs that live under the TIA DALMA unit's skirt (God knows where she puts them under there). That should scare him strait.

As for his newfound obsession with ravens and writing desks, the CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW unit and the MAD HATTER unit (sold separately) are manufactured in the same factory. It is possible that a mistake was made in your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW's programming. Send your unit to our factory in the Virgin Islands and we'll ship him back to you cured of all wonky programming, free of charge! (Except processing and handling fees).

**Problem:**My CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW unit has been eating bad eggs for days now. Should I be concerned?

**Solution: **Don't you know that pirates ARE really bad eggs? You are what you eat!

**Problem: **My CAPTIAN JACK SPARROW unit, WILL TURNER unit and JAMES NORRINGTON unit are locked in an apparent duel to the death over a key. If that wasn't enough, my ELIZABETH SWAN unit has prosseded to through rocks at them and yell the oddest things. What should I do?

**Solution: **It seems that you'll have to purchase our GIANT WHEEL accessory on our online store and let them just go at it for a while… eventually one of them will end up with the key and the other two will either be knocked unconscious or fall into a hole somewhere. Don't worry, these are Disney products! No serious harm will come to your units. As for your ELIZABETH SWAN unit, she'll just have to get over herself.

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_A/N Click the REVIEW button to submit your queries and problems! I'll add it to my story! _

_If any of you have ideas/ suggestions, or noticed any factual or grammatical mistakes, send me a message, please! _

_A special thanks to JDLuvaSquee! for submitting her concern! I hope my answer clears up any problems you were having!_

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